by Huxtable McBrownton
“Here’s a sample jackass!” screamed the cashier like a banshee, as I entered the best bakery in all of Maastricht. She had launched the most delicious piece of lemon cake straight at my left eye with deadly precision. She had quite the aim! I had heard that this bakery had won numerous awards over the years so I decided to check it out first hand. As an investigative journalist, it’s important to remain unbiased, so I said ten namaste’s and centered myself with some of the hottest yoga around before I even thought about showing up. As I waited behind fifty people in the most beautiful of lines, I was reminded of my childhood, and my mother taking me to bakeries. She would carry me on her shoulder, and my head would hit the doorframe, every-time. I now have a noticeably large dent in my forehead. It was sublime to listen to the chorus resonating from a pack of, four year old children howling from across the bakery to their mamas and papas who were busy trying to hear the bakers, who were mumbling and smoking in the corner. They seemed to only be bothered by the coyote children and occasionally gave them an underhanded toss of samples, like a dolphin trainer would. Obviously because they’re children, and shouldn’t be expected to catch a missile-like throw, as I had been subjected to earlier.
The interior of the bakery was noticeably different than I had imagined it would be. Climbing along the walls, was a thick white-ish blue fluff that I can only assume was a proper insulation that would really help in this frigid winter. It was also covered in a rad street style graffiti with a funky black cross that had 4 symmetric 90 degree angles set against bright red. It is so very cool of them to commission young artists to paint in their bakery. My one complaint was the smell of the bakery, which was a little musty smelling and seemed to be coming from the insulation I mentioned before. I assume that one gets used to it as they hang out in the bakery’s safe haven
After 2 hours I had made it to the 23 person mark of the line and I was getting hungry. I decided to indulge myself in some of the coffee that they had for their patrons. I pressed the button for an espresso on the machine and out sputtered some coffee aroma water. Upon further inspection I noticed that there were no beans in the machine. What a clever way to save money! No wonder they are the best bakery in Maastricht with that kind of business acumen. I drank my coffee aroma water blissfully relishing in the knowledge that I was in good hands.
I had finally reached the front of the line. One of the smoking bakers noticed me and growled to ask what I wanted. I politely responded that I would love one chocolate croissant. She simply said “we’re out”. At this point I was becoming slightly irritated. I had waited a considerable amount of time in line and had really hoped to treat myself to a nice chocolate croissant. I asked her how they could be out at 11AM?! To which she said “We’re the best fucking bakery in the world, cocksucker! We bake a single half loaf of bread a day!” This seemed like sound rationale to me so I turned on my heels towards the door. As I was about to hit my stride I heard the single word “Wait”.
“Don’t you want to know why our pastries are so good?”
There was no one else in the bakery, so perhaps she was going to tell me her delicious little secret. This would be huge news for my review!
“Yes please do tell”
“We put fucking Cocaine in the croissants MOTHERFUCKER, NOW GET OUT!”
What a day that was. Needless to say I will be returning again, to the best bakery in Maastricht. It’s hard to believe that such an institution would be so humble. I feel comfortable giving this review 3 Huxtable’s based solely on a food-less experience. The experience was just as well as I hope the food will be, once I get my hands on some.