Mock the News: A Weekly Satirical Insight into Maastricht’s Many Maniacs
by Alex Doug Johnson
After reading multiple feedback forms from UCM graduates of previous years, all of whom remain unemployed, the faculty has decided to heed the words of these titanic walking comedowns. Much of the feedback centred around the emphasis placed on reading and the lack of attention given to looking as different as possible. Enter Eccentricity in Style! When asked to describe what the course would entail, Jasper Chunderhouse (course coordinator and former artist) simply responded “we feel that our students need to walk around the city and be noticed, given the unlikelihood of this stemming from sporting excellence we feel the next best option is through being fashionably individual”.
The new course comes in the wake of other UCM efforts to broaden the minds of their pupils following the success of Globalisation and Inequality. A course where UCM students were told to forget about their bulging wallets and judge other faculties’ students. With judgement being especially reserved for those who decided not to share the image of the starving Peruvian child on Facebook. “Globalisation and Inequality was a real triumph for UCM, with our students receiving even more attention across Maastricht than before. Even if this was mainly negative. Unfortunately most other students felt UCMers had failed to equally distribute their wealth during their last Shamrock visit. Significantly undermining the courses effectiveness” Commented Maria Easymoney, Globalisation and Inequality expert.
Despite their reputation for acceptance and tolerance, UCM was placed under the spotlight of severe scrutiny following the final “UCM Open Mic Night” of the 2016-17 academic year. Students of other faculties were banned from playing. The Student Head of Acceptance at UCM stated in an interview with Vice “we’re sick of being the pushovers of this city so the rest of you can get stuffed. From now on it is going to be incomprehensible spoken word with jokes that only people from UCM will understand”. The spokesperson in question has been dismissed from the board and sent to SBE for “emotional reconditioning”.
It remains to be seen whether or not Eccentricity in Style will be able to prevent UCM’s approval ratings from falling faster than Donald Trump’s in a world where intolerance will not be tolerated.
Tune in next week for “Refugee Soup – The Latest and Greatest FASOS Blunder”
Illustration: Daniela Ayala Ñañez