Rogan’s Rage
By Nino Lupin
2075 A.D. Oklahoma City, Great American Jersey.
“Fuck wars, bro. Totally unnecessary.” Those were the first few words that the people of what was still the United States of America back then heard through the speakers as their first-ever emperor welcomed his new people into his arms. It took him seven brain surgeries and eighteen years to “climb to the top”, but in the year 2041 the mad badger finally stood above the rest. Joe Rogan, world famous comedian, extreme sports enthusiast and now avid politician did the impossible and became the fiftieth ‘president’ of the US.
Some still wonder how our nation ended up with such a character in rule, especially after people like Ol´ Donald, but it’s much too late to bicker about ‘how we fucked up’ or ‘what we should have done’. Mr. Rogan has done much for his country. It’s not safe to say that improvement was made, but we’re talking about the US, it can only get so much worse.
Rogan's first plan on his agenda, which in fact never was on his agenda until he became president, is to ignore the law to the fullest extent. The nation was still recovering from the Third World War back in the 40’s, so Rogan pulled a Hitler — though perhaps not as radical — and simply told the people what they wanted to hear.
“Listen, guys. I’m 74 right now and let me tell you I have seen some shit. I fought for all of you in the Great War, I lost nine toes for you and I would give up my final toe right now just to get a shot at rebuilding our beloved nation. I will eliminate all debt. All of it. Donald Trump had friends? I have friends too. Much richer friends. Mr Musk already told me he would be honored to help me out in this endeavor. I will also get rid of every person that is here illegally. They should not be staining a nation that is already greatly stained, they should go back to their native roots and reconnect with their ancestral home. Finally, I want to tell you all that I realize all the things you’ve lost. I also realize the lucky ones who have barely lost anything. I will make sure that wherever you live, with whoever you are, you will have a roof above your head. And not just any roof, a proper roof. One that allows you to relax, exercise, cook, smoke weed, all the basic necessities. I will live as an emperor, I won’t lie about that, but you will all be living as royalty beside me.”
That’s about it, really. The people were pretty much sold after that, being naïve as heck and having to choose between Joe Rogan and North West (delusional daughter of notorious serial killer and rapper Kanye West. She had a good shot at first but then dropped in popularity after some disturbing footage that involved rabbits and cucumbers was leaked). West was blown right off the polls and following, Rogan won the elections by a landslide (the biggest ever — he received 81% of all votes). Like true Americans, people went out on the street and celebrated like rabid apes, resulting in 4 billion dollars´ worth of damage in New Jersey alone. After the great euphoria passed, Rogan pulled his first move by raising the big finger to the constitution and said this:
“I told you if I was going to be elected that you would all live as royalty and I would live as an emperor. I was not lying ladies and gentlemen. I believe that this nation needs to abandon its restrictions and unlock its full potential. I believe in a true United States of America, because for the last few centuries we have not been living up to our name. After I finish this speech, you will all be leaving things behind, but receive many better things in return. You will no longer have a president, but an emperor. You will no longer live in the United States of America, but in Great American Jersey. I, Joseph James Rogan, hereby announce myself emperor of Great American Jersey. Be ready, Americans. This is the dream you never thought you would live.”
Whether there was any American at that point who was comfortable with the situation remains an absolute mystery, but it was crystal clear to everyone that their nation was going to change even more. Weed was already legal by the year 2041, but Rogan’s new set of laws required that everyone consumes a minimum of two grams of marijuana per week. The microchip that was introduced in 2033 to check for DUI’s was now updated to check whether you would be fried as a shrimp at least once a week. The new Rogan’s Constitution of Great American Jersey (or RCGAJ) also obliges everyone above the age of 21 to carry a gun on them. Rogan believes that guns are crucial in one’s own protection and when that ballsy journalist (who will remain nameless for their own safety) asked Rogan why he wouldn’t just ban guns altogether, Rogan actually pulled a gun on the journalist himself.
“It’s these moments, right now. These moments are the reason why guns should be mandatory in our society. I can ban guns, sure, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be any guns.”, he claimed.
The RCGAJ consists of a whopping 420 laws (yes, he obviously planned this), each more intriguing than the other, and they are due to pop up more in this mind-boggling chronicle. No one was quite sure how much of Rogan’s overhauling plans were going to be put into practice, but the majority of the population would know what they had signed up for after the infamous “Rogan’s Genesis” livestream.
The people of GAJ were warmly welcomed to join Rogan in his prelude, his opening act that would celebrate and officially establish his reign. He would be taking DMT on camera, talk about his ideas and simply “connect with the people”. Over two billion viewers worldwide tuned in to catch a glimpse of Emperor Joe Rogan being off his tits and talking boloney for hours straight. It had been the most hyped event after the Third World War, and everyone was eager for either entertainment or enlightenment. Unfortunately, for the Americans, Rogan delivered neither of them. The beginning of the stream was quite frankly rather magnificent. Rogan had decorated his room to be the perfect environment for a trip: dim, but warm lighting; soft bean bags that could fit a bowhead whale; a fully carpeted floor with heating; an enormous fridge stocked up with fruit juices and other lovely tasting foods and drinks and finally, a 140” flat screen hanging from the ceiling. Expectations shot through the roof as Rogan introduced his companions for the trip as he brought in a whole dozen of tiny, fluffy little kittens from the other room.
“They help me settle in”, he stated.
Another thirty minutes passed on the livestream before the DMT really started to take control of Rogan. With proud confidence he took more than he ever had, which was going to be a horrendous mistake. It started out with him simply repeating the same sentence to himself for about fifteen minutes: “Only you can be the change that you want to see in the world”, but then it seemed as if he began to have some software issues. His tone and volume remained the same, but Rogan started to mess around with the order of words, now saying things like “Change the world can only be that you want to see in the you” or “World that can see the you in change you want the only be the”.
It got worse and worse, up to a point where he started to make sounds resembling several household appliances (peculiar as that may have been - he did a fantastic job on the washing machine). A few final screaming water boilers marked the end of Rogan’s fit, as he dropped into a full silence for about half an hour. The viewers could watch him roll about in his room, sometimes mumbling a few words but generally remaining awfully silent. All of sudden, he jumped out in what seemed like a rush of fear. The kittens had found refuge on the enormous bean bags and were all comfortably snoozing about.
“THEY CAN’T BE HERE!”, Rogan screamed while extravagantly waving his arms towards the kittens.
“I NEED SOLITUDE, THEY NEED TO LEAVE!”
No one was quite sure what he would be achieving by screaming at the kittens; he was completely alone. There were concerns for the furry little babies, and rightly so. Rogan slowly approached the kittens, eyes as large as Jupiter and fists clenched like a mental patient. He kneeled down towards the kittens, and as some jumped up in terror and fled the scene, just a handful of kittens remained in their sleep. Rogan very bluntly picked up two of the kittens, and as the poor critters awoke from their snooze, Rogan once more screamed at them:
“YOU. ARE. NOT. WELCOME!”
The kittens shuddered and started pumping out a few high-pitched meows. This threw Rogan off-guard: it was as if he had just faced Cthulhu and been the first person to ever hear its scream. He let out a girlish “EEK!” and threw both kittens across the room (not to worry - the kittens were fine). Rogan’s stream, however, was not doing fine. Viewing numbers dropped drastically. If this set the mood for whatever was still to come, many did not dare shed their eyes on it.
Another agonizing thirty minutes passed. The kittens had retreated to a narrow corner, far away from the fury that had just nearly ripped them all apart. Rogan, however, had now reached the ‘rant stage’. Sweating like a whore in church and his head bloating like a weather balloon, he was spitting wisdom about the beauty of nature, the pride of his nation, the nutritious value behind a carnivorous diet, the honor in combat sport and several more of his most beloved phenomena. Many compare it to the podcasts young Rogan did back in the 10’s and 20’s, but it was merely a portion of the content that paralleled his current rant. This was a primal sort of rant, the sort of rant that neither comes from reason, nor emotion. It was entertainment of the finest form for about a quarter of an hour, albeit very uncomfortable at moments.
Then, as he spoke his final words on the horrifying history of our nation, something happened - something that surpassed any impulsive decision any man or woman has ever made. Rogan reached for his pocket; he slipped out his phone; he dialed a number and after just a matter of seconds, someone appeared to have picked up on the other side. No introductions were made, as Rogan uttered the words that changed our nation forever:
“Listen to me, fuck the past, alright? We live in the now! I don’t care what you need in order to make it happen, but I need you to evacuate every person in Washington D.C. Find them housing and shit, but get them out of there as soon as you can. Call me when they are all out. I am going to wipe the plate, clean the sheets and cleanse our nation.”
For ten minutes Rogan just sat on the beanbag with an expression of contentment on his face. Being in a much more peaceful state of mind, he tried to make amends with the kittens, but the damage had been done. Traumatized by the experience, none of them were prepared to bury the hatchet and all remained huddled up in the corner.
The atmosphere in the room was a passive and calm one, but the same couldn’t be said for the atmosphere in Washington D.C. Social media sites were blown to bits because of the immense amount of sudden activity. The national capital was truly being evacuated. The few media outlets that were still up and running were overwhelmed by a tidal wave of panicky phone calls and a barrage of emails, all expressing the same level of fear. Large crowds had apparently rushed into the streets out of terror and while many exclusively did this with the intention of getting to safety, some saw this as a wonderful opportunity of increasing their wealth. Pandemonium had taken a hold of D.C., but it would be short-lasted, because Rogan had just been called back by his contact and uttered some more life-shattering words:
“What do you mean they won’t get out? Do you mean to tell me that you can’t deal with a bunch of looters?”
An intense 30 second pause followed.
“You know what, we have failed to quell this ailment many times before. It’s time for an immediate remedy, one that will form a scar of wisdom on our nation. Scars are the best teachers in the world, you know?”
Rogan sighed swiftly.
“Mr Jeremiah, I hereby order you to bomb Washington D.C. as soon as every citizen who is willing to leave is out of that city. Do not leave anyone there who is trying to find safety. Leave the rest.”
Yes. Joe Rogan just ordered thirty four 2037 American bombers to drop an unimaginable amount of TNT on every bit of Washington D.C. Thousands of people from surrounding cities and towns sought for high ground as they bared witness to the bombing of their nation’s capital; the eradication of centuries of history; the incineration of billions of memories. All across Great American Jersey tears were flowing like the Nile and furious crowds broke out into riot. The era of Rogan’s Rage had begun.
To be continued...